The Shortest, Least-Complicated Murder Mystery Ever

Opening Scene: Investigator and Murderer are standing next to dead man who is lying on the ground.

Investigator: “Who killed this man?”

Murderer: “Me."

Investigator: “Officers, arrest this man for the murder of this other man!”

Murderer (angrily ushered away by police officers): “Blah! Thwarted!”

Investigator (triumphantly): “Yet another case solved by asking questions.”

Fin

***

It may not be gold, but if I added a theme song by "The Who", you'd be hard-pressed to tell the difference between this and any episode of CSI.

"Yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaeeeeeeahhhhhh!" (See what I did there? Yeah, you do.)

Aren't You Gonna Kiss Me First?: The Lubed Fist of Freedom

I've come to a very important realization today, and this one's a game-changer. Ready for it? 'Cause here it is:

I've been molested by the "hauptsturmführers" of Homeland Security (ironically translates to "Chief Assault Leaders") at the airport in Vegas more times than I've been molested by my own wife.

"These new government-sanctioned, fully-manual airport security enemas
are a great way to lose some last-minute weight before reaching your bikini destination."

I'm sure their defense will be that I was asking for it by dressing too slutty. (In retrospect, waist-high boots and a red velvet corset were probably a bad choice for travel.)

Jesus, at the very least, this has gotta earn me the right to an "ABC After-School Special". Starring Melissa Gilbert. As me. And all of the handsy Homeland Security Agents should (and will, as a condition of the law suit) be played by Lindsay Lohan. Apparently she'll tie her name to anything. And maybe - just maybe - if she's as desperate as TMZ says she is, she'll do other stuff, too.

A Simple Truth: Parenting (Occasionally) Equals Pain

Earlier today, my son was running around the house crying, seemingly for no reason.

Concerned, I chased after him to console him and reassure him that everything would be alright, whatever the cause of his tears.

That's when he wound up and kicked me in the balls.

I'm pretty sure the word "fuck" not only crossed my lips, but was also spelled out in white-hot flames on my forehead.

None the less, I picked him up - still kicking and screaming - and hugged him tightly... although not so tightly as to misconstrued as an attempt to smother him.

I then put him down and stumbled over to my favourite rocking chair where I collapsed, choking back the barf and muttering some of the most foul language ever heard by human ears. (I think I may have even invented some new swears in there somewhere.)

I guess the reason I'm telling you this is because if you're thinking about having children, ask yourself this; what's your tolerance for pain? 'Cause sometimes your recompense for loving your kids is a swift kick in the nuts.

That said, I wouldn't change a thing. I'll just start wearing a cup around the house.

The Inspiring Teachings of Muhammad... Ali?

I was recently watching one of many documentaries I typically watch each week, and came across a very interesting film that treated me to some inspirational quotes from the most unlikely of sources; Muhammad Ali.

Sure, he was a great trash-talker, but who knew the man who "shook up the world" was also capable of a Confucius-esque insight?

I thought I'd share my favourites with you:

"I hated every minute of training, but I said, 'Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.'"

"I never thought of losing, but now that it' s happened, the only thing is to do it right. That's my obligation to all the people who believe in me. We all have to take defeats in life."

"If they can make penicillin out of mouldy bread, they can sure make something out of you."

"It isn't the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out; it's the pebble in your shoe."

"Only a man who knows what it is like to be defeated can reach down to the bottom of his soul and come up with the extra ounce of power it takes to win when the match is even."

"He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life."

"It's the repetition of affirmations that leads to belief. And once that belief becomes a deep conviction, things begin to happen."

Enjoy.

What Dr. Spock Doesn't Tell You About Having Kids

You'll never shit without an audience again.

Might as well cut fiber right out of your diet.

10 Random Things I Learned Today

• Never discount old friends with whom you've lost touch. They might come out of the woodwork, just when you need them the most, and change the game entirely.
• Always make sure you close the fridge door before you go to bed. Waking up to a fridge full of spoiled food is not a great way to start the day.
• Do your research before you buy a house. You could find yourself stuck in a neighbourhood full of stupid assholes, shitty drivers and trashy slobs... all of whom feel the same way about you.
• Get your dad drunk once in a while. It will result in good stories you can share with your friends EVERY TIME.
• Don't worry about money. No matter what you do, there will never be enough to buy yourself a dinosaur.
• Go to McDonald's more often. But buy McDonald's a lot less.
• Watch old movies you've always heard about but never seen. You might learn something.
• Start disappointing the people who've always been happy to disappoint you. It's liberating, and you'll be much happier for it.
• Hang out with a little kid. They'll teach you more in those few hours than you'll learn in an entire week at your job.
• Buy yourself something you can't afford. Then challenge yourself to a) pay it off right away or b) not feel guilty about it.

Merlot Jesus: A Rose By Any Other Name Is Still As Angry

FACT: Tool, fronted by Maynard James Keenan, is one of my favourite bands.

FACT: A Perfect Circle, one of my other favourtie bands, is fronted by Maynard James Keenan, who is also the front man for Tool.

FACT: Puscifer, yet another one of my favourite bands, is also fronted by Maynard James Keenan, who is the front man for both Tool and A Perfect Circle.

CONCLUSION: Maynard James Keenan is JESUS.

FURTHER SUPPORTING EVIDENCE: He's omnipresent AND he literally turns water into wine.

Hand Me My BlackBerry 'Cause I'm Phonin' It In!

It's 9:29 p.m. Thursday night.

Right now, the rest of the world is probably:

• At the movies, watching whatever shit passes for a "film" these days (see previous entry);
• Hitting a pub with friends for a casual beer (translation: spending $15 for a pint of fermented European sheep piss with a name that makes no sense whatsoever e.g. "Captain Worthingtonshire's Cock n' Balls Lager");
• Having a quiet, over-priced dinner at a restaurant they mistakenly believe is "chic" e.g. Swiss Chalet, with their spouse/mistress/pet; or
• Blindly dry-humping some random tuna at the club after drinking a palette of boxed wine.

But not me, friends. Not me.

Right now, my only options are to;

• Go to bed; or
• Finish this blog and then go to bed.

Since I once again find myself exhausted after a long day at work jerking off horses into a kiddie pool, I've opted to post another video for your viewing pleasure:

As you can probably surmise from my last two posts, two things have happened recently:

• I've discovered how to post video on my blog; and
• I've developed a very serious case of writer's block of which no amount of booze or porn can cure me. (Guess I'll just have to keep trying.)

Well, I'm off to bed. I have another long day of making "farm fresh milk shakes" tomorrow and I need to rest my jerking arm.

Unless "The Red Shoe Diaries" is on Bravo. Then I'll be fucked... in a manner of speaking.

"These Assholes Stole My Idea!": How To Use Technology To Distract You Readers From Your Laziness

After a miserable day of breaking rocks for "The Man", when I'm left so spent that I can barely find the energy to push when I'm taking a shit, I struggle to fill the void that is this space with anything of interest.

Luckily, there are other people out there - talented people who spend all day pumping out funny or interesting material - who post their efforts on the Internet so a two-bit hack like me can post it on his own shitty blog site to detract from his total lack of creativity.

So with that in mind, please enjoy this video clip that I clearly had no part in creating, but which the good people of "Funny or Die" were kind enough to allow me to post on my site to make it appear as though I actually took the time to write something today.

Editor's Note: The Dread Pirate Bones would like to remind readers that at no point did he claim that this clip was funny or interesting. He simply posted it to distract you while he stole your car and drove to your mother's house for home-made apple pie. And sex. With your mom. In your stolen car. (He's a pirate. You were foolish to expect anything less.)

Breaking News: What Driver's Ed Forgot To Tell You

And all this time, I thought I was riding alone with my farts and silent tears.

Don't worry, I'm on the phone with the DMV right now:

DMV: "Thank you for calling the DMV. How can I help you?"

Me: "Yeah, hi. I'd like to talk to one of your anti-Fascist driving specialists please."

DMV: "I'm sorry?"

Me: "Oh, or the president of your Car-Sharing Club."

DMV: "Who is this?"

Me: "I'll tell you who this isn't, and that's the President of the Ride with Hitler Club."

DMV: "I think you have the wrong number, sir."

Me: "Listen, can I at least talk to someone about riding with Hirohito instead? The Japanese make much better cars than the Germans."

(click)

Too soon?

The New Job: Day One

I thought my reader(s) would be happy to know that after a nearly four-year hiatus from the blogging world, "I," like General MacArthur, "have returned."

I should clarify that I'm not implying that I am as beloved as MacArthur. Nor am I implying that I waded knee-deep in mud, blood and shit to return to blogging. (It was mostly just shit.) It was simply a World War II reference that happened to suit the situation. Relax, for Christ's sake. (Or for Santa Claus' sake. I really don't care for whose sake you relax. Just fucking relax, already.)

Anyway, since today's my first day, like any good new employee I'm going to:

1. Do the bare minimum;
2. See if I can score a free meal; and
3. Take off early and decompress over a fatty dinner and a case of beer.

If you rat me out to the boss, I'll make you disappear, and be fucking your wife and having your kids calling me "Daddy" in no time.

I'M BACK, BABY! If you don't like it, SUCK IT.