Aren't You Gonna Kiss Me First?: The Lubed Fist of Freedom

I've come to a very important realization today, and this one's a game-changer. Ready for it? 'Cause here it is:

I've been molested by the "hauptsturmführers" of Homeland Security (ironically translates to "Chief Assault Leaders") at the airport in Vegas more times than I've been molested by my own wife.

"These new government-sanctioned, fully-manual airport security enemas
are a great way to lose some last-minute weight before reaching your bikini destination."

I'm sure their defense will be that I was asking for it by dressing too slutty. (In retrospect, waist-high boots and a red velvet corset were probably a bad choice for travel.)

Jesus, at the very least, this has gotta earn me the right to an "ABC After-School Special". Starring Melissa Gilbert. As me. And all of the handsy Homeland Security Agents should (and will, as a condition of the law suit) be played by Lindsay Lohan. Apparently she'll tie her name to anything. And maybe - just maybe - if she's as desperate as TMZ says she is, she'll do other stuff, too.