Merlot Jesus: A Rose By Any Other Name Is Still As Angry

FACT: Tool, fronted by Maynard James Keenan, is one of my favourite bands.

FACT: A Perfect Circle, one of my other favourtie bands, is fronted by Maynard James Keenan, who is also the front man for Tool.

FACT: Puscifer, yet another one of my favourite bands, is also fronted by Maynard James Keenan, who is the front man for both Tool and A Perfect Circle.

CONCLUSION: Maynard James Keenan is JESUS.

FURTHER SUPPORTING EVIDENCE: He's omnipresent AND he literally turns water into wine.

Hand Me My BlackBerry 'Cause I'm Phonin' It In!

It's 9:29 p.m. Thursday night.

Right now, the rest of the world is probably:

• At the movies, watching whatever shit passes for a "film" these days (see previous entry);
• Hitting a pub with friends for a casual beer (translation: spending $15 for a pint of fermented European sheep piss with a name that makes no sense whatsoever e.g. "Captain Worthingtonshire's Cock n' Balls Lager");
• Having a quiet, over-priced dinner at a restaurant they mistakenly believe is "chic" e.g. Swiss Chalet, with their spouse/mistress/pet; or
• Blindly dry-humping some random tuna at the club after drinking a palette of boxed wine.

But not me, friends. Not me.

Right now, my only options are to;

• Go to bed; or
• Finish this blog and then go to bed.

Since I once again find myself exhausted after a long day at work jerking off horses into a kiddie pool, I've opted to post another video for your viewing pleasure:

As you can probably surmise from my last two posts, two things have happened recently:

• I've discovered how to post video on my blog; and
• I've developed a very serious case of writer's block of which no amount of booze or porn can cure me. (Guess I'll just have to keep trying.)

Well, I'm off to bed. I have another long day of making "farm fresh milk shakes" tomorrow and I need to rest my jerking arm.

Unless "The Red Shoe Diaries" is on Bravo. Then I'll be fucked... in a manner of speaking.

"These Assholes Stole My Idea!": How To Use Technology To Distract You Readers From Your Laziness

After a miserable day of breaking rocks for "The Man", when I'm left so spent that I can barely find the energy to push when I'm taking a shit, I struggle to fill the void that is this space with anything of interest.

Luckily, there are other people out there - talented people who spend all day pumping out funny or interesting material - who post their efforts on the Internet so a two-bit hack like me can post it on his own shitty blog site to detract from his total lack of creativity.

So with that in mind, please enjoy this video clip that I clearly had no part in creating, but which the good people of "Funny or Die" were kind enough to allow me to post on my site to make it appear as though I actually took the time to write something today.

Editor's Note: The Dread Pirate Bones would like to remind readers that at no point did he claim that this clip was funny or interesting. He simply posted it to distract you while he stole your car and drove to your mother's house for home-made apple pie. And sex. With your mom. In your stolen car. (He's a pirate. You were foolish to expect anything less.)

Breaking News: What Driver's Ed Forgot To Tell You

And all this time, I thought I was riding alone with my farts and silent tears.

Don't worry, I'm on the phone with the DMV right now:

DMV: "Thank you for calling the DMV. How can I help you?"

Me: "Yeah, hi. I'd like to talk to one of your anti-Fascist driving specialists please."

DMV: "I'm sorry?"

Me: "Oh, or the president of your Car-Sharing Club."

DMV: "Who is this?"

Me: "I'll tell you who this isn't, and that's the President of the Ride with Hitler Club."

DMV: "I think you have the wrong number, sir."

Me: "Listen, can I at least talk to someone about riding with Hirohito instead? The Japanese make much better cars than the Germans."

(click)

Too soon?

The New Job: Day One

I thought my reader(s) would be happy to know that after a nearly four-year hiatus from the blogging world, "I," like General MacArthur, "have returned."

I should clarify that I'm not implying that I am as beloved as MacArthur. Nor am I implying that I waded knee-deep in mud, blood and shit to return to blogging. (It was mostly just shit.) It was simply a World War II reference that happened to suit the situation. Relax, for Christ's sake. (Or for Santa Claus' sake. I really don't care for whose sake you relax. Just fucking relax, already.)

Anyway, since today's my first day, like any good new employee I'm going to:

1. Do the bare minimum;
2. See if I can score a free meal; and
3. Take off early and decompress over a fatty dinner and a case of beer.

If you rat me out to the boss, I'll make you disappear, and be fucking your wife and having your kids calling me "Daddy" in no time.

I'M BACK, BABY! If you don't like it, SUCK IT.